The Problem with Nightly Prayers (or why being a Catholic isn't working for me)

Most of my family will never going to understand me of why I skip nightly prayers for most of the time (that's pretty much tradition to Vietnamese Catholic families, but I don't see my cousin's family do that or the majojrity of the Vietnamese families themselves) is because of this: My most lame excuse is that I went to the bathroom for so long, but that isn't my true reason for this - it's my struggle to accept that there is a God and that I should say some prayers to him is the one that I can't accept the fact, plus the fact that being a Catholic makes me feel un-enlighten. It's a good thing neither of my family members are going to read this blog, since none of them has got a blog and start doing some emo entries on me (well, at least my mum's not computer-literate).

Because I was brought as a Catholic, my dad (the strongest Catholic of all my family) expects me to do some Catholic things, while at the same time blend in with normal stuff. However, as I grew up and my dad wants everyone to say prayers every night, I just simply lost myself between being an agnostic or being an atheist, because when I tried to pray to God night after night, the expected results aren't always working and then afterwards, I gave up that praying isn't working to someone who neither exists nor just made-up and that I should put my faith into myself and start doing things to get the work done, instead on relying Him.

Another reason is that I have secretly got manic depression and have some suicidal thoughts in my head. Yes, I was the middle child, but neither my parents nor my older sister really cared for or how I'm actually feeling, because if I say things that's anything controversial or something to do suicidal, then they want me to get psychiatric help. But that doesn't work for me, because the specialist never thoroughly looked at me - he or she just looked what's on the outside with the body language, instead of what's really inside my mind. So I keep those thoughts to myself and only tell my darkest secrets to someone that truly understands on what I feel. The same goes for my disillusions of my spiritual enlightenment of being a Catholic.

And there's no way I'm going to convert to Jehovah's Witness (too many people say that modern medicine = No-no); Evangelical Christian (their high-energy music about how great Jesus Christ is, is just too much for me, they make me want to commit suicide); Islam (oh no, I'm not ready to give up alcohol forever); Scientology (Eeew, who would want to believe Tom Cruise and the silly little Church that has some issues with animals) or any other cult religion. They're just wanna make me commit suicide after one day of joining.

*Sigh* I rather want to enjoy life without the need of a Prayer than doing that.

Quote of the Moment - "I knew it! Cheesy storyline!" - My younger sister talking about Hoshigami Remix.