The Problem with Nightly Prayers (or why being a Catholic isn't working for me)

Most of my family will never going to understand me of why I skip nightly prayers for most of the time (that's pretty much tradition to Vietnamese Catholic families, but I don't see my cousin's family do that or the majojrity of the Vietnamese families themselves) is because of this: My most lame excuse is that I went to the bathroom for so long, but that isn't my true reason for this - it's my struggle to accept that there is a God and that I should say some prayers to him is the one that I can't accept the fact, plus the fact that being a Catholic makes me feel un-enlighten. It's a good thing neither of my family members are going to read this blog, since none of them has got a blog and start doing some emo entries on me (well, at least my mum's not computer-literate).

Because I was brought as a Catholic, my dad (the strongest Catholic of all my family) expects me to do some Catholic things, while at the same time blend in with normal stuff. However, as I grew up and my dad wants everyone to say prayers every night, I just simply lost myself between being an agnostic or being an atheist, because when I tried to pray to God night after night, the expected results aren't always working and then afterwards, I gave up that praying isn't working to someone who neither exists nor just made-up and that I should put my faith into myself and start doing things to get the work done, instead on relying Him.

Another reason is that I have secretly got manic depression and have some suicidal thoughts in my head. Yes, I was the middle child, but neither my parents nor my older sister really cared for or how I'm actually feeling, because if I say things that's anything controversial or something to do suicidal, then they want me to get psychiatric help. But that doesn't work for me, because the specialist never thoroughly looked at me - he or she just looked what's on the outside with the body language, instead of what's really inside my mind. So I keep those thoughts to myself and only tell my darkest secrets to someone that truly understands on what I feel. The same goes for my disillusions of my spiritual enlightenment of being a Catholic.

And there's no way I'm going to convert to Jehovah's Witness (too many people say that modern medicine = No-no); Evangelical Christian (their high-energy music about how great Jesus Christ is, is just too much for me, they make me want to commit suicide); Islam (oh no, I'm not ready to give up alcohol forever); Scientology (Eeew, who would want to believe Tom Cruise and the silly little Church that has some issues with animals) or any other cult religion. They're just wanna make me commit suicide after one day of joining.

*Sigh* I rather want to enjoy life without the need of a Prayer than doing that.

Quote of the Moment - "I knew it! Cheesy storyline!" - My younger sister talking about Hoshigami Remix.

Woohoo! Got Someone Converted!

I managed to convince my younger sister to watch the JDrama, Akihabara@Deep after I told her the basic storyline and that it had some anime and manga references in there.

After watching the first episode (btw, this is a Director's Cut version we were watching), she found is very amusing and she likes it! ^_^

Oh yeah! Next stop, attempting to make her watch Kamen Rider Den-O!

Quote of the Moment - "P-p-p-p-p-p-planning Time!" - Page from Akihabara@Deep. God, I love this show more than Densha Otoko!

Why on Earth Excel and Me Hate Each Other #23232

Grrr. I hate that stupid job. It's just that, when it comes to anything to do with Excel-related and either my Dad or my older sister wants me to do, I actually drop that interest immediately. Microsoft Excel and me do not get along well with each other. EVER . It's all that jumbled ICT skill crap and Spreadsheet shit, as well as a pinch of mathematics, that made me wanna murder Excel. Literally with a knife. I hate Excel more than Word. I hate putting things that was written on the sheet.

I rather have my Dad or older sister ask me to do some graphic design on the leaflets or the shop sign, than doing this Spreadsheet crap. I hate is when either of them have never recongised my artistic potentials on getting more money for my Dad's business. Especially them. They don't really care on artistic people like me. One minute they look at an object that was created by a person who worked really hard on making this beautiful and the next minute, they shrugged and leave without a comment and instead, focus on business this, business that. Only my younger sister really does care about that. My Dad and older sister should burn in Hell and suffer for making me suffer Middle Child Syndrome. I wish I was born under a Japanese family who have artistic background.

Quote of the Moment - "I knew I should have swapped Grapic Design instead of ICT." - Me talking about my GCSE results. I got a D in ICT if you want to know.

Anothr Kind of Sentai (SPOILER!)

Been watching Chou Sei Shin Gransazer a few days and I must say, I'm crying. At first, I thought it's another Super Sentai clone, but instead, it became such an emotional series, due to the right combination of drama, comedy and action all rolled into one. Let's see, I love the suit design (no surprise it's from the guys behind Ultraman) and even the villains are likable too. Damn, I felt extremely sorry for Impactors Logia when Lucia died. Even though they're the main villains so far (haven't watched all of the episodes), they do have a heart and feelings and even Logia loves Lucia (and their suits desgin were way better than the Super Sentai that I've seen). It's like Shadow Hearts: From the New World all over again.

I want to give Logia a reat big hug. So, seriously.

Quote of the Moment - "How many...dyed?" - Rufus Shrina from that FF7 skit. I lol'd. A good medicine after crying over Lucia's death and Logia's loss.

To the People who Email Me about their Problems...

...STOP F**KING SENDING THOSE PERSONAL PROBLEM EMAILS TO ME!!! YOU, PEOPLE DRIVE ME MAD THIS INSTANCE ON EVERY TIME YOU GIVE ME AN EMAIL SAYING THAT YOU HAVE DEATH THREATS FROM OTHER COUNTRIES OR YOU NEED GETTING THEIR ATTENTION OR SOMETHING!!! IF YOU WANT TO HAVE THOSE PROBLEMS SOLVED, THEN DO IT BY YOURSELF!!! I know that it will risk your exposure, but at least it's better than sending out emails that I don't know about you!

Quote of the Moment - "17 August - 5 September" - Estimated delivery date for that Okami artbook from Amazon.co.uk. Damn.

Insert GASP! Here

Is that even the Amani Riku that I know? I thought it was just Allen Walker from D. Grayman replacing him while being kidnapped by Takao or something.

Quote of the Moment - "Can I erase you? Can't hear you!" - Ryutaros from Kamen Rider Den-O

Oh Look! Emo Girl Entry Time!

It's official. I'm now more depressed than crack. I'm one of the few Vietnamese people who doesn't act like Vietnamese at all. I mean, I know I have potential for all things creative and anything to do with art and design, but when it comes to family values, none of my family members, not to mention my ENTIRE family tree has ever done art and design as their careers, though I begin to suspect my father was regretting that he sacrificed photography for computer science (I can tell. He has a really good traditional SLR camera somewhere), which he took beautiful pictures.

And then, there's the middle child syndrome in my family. Unfortunately, when I read some articles about the middle child syndrome on the web, a lot of them are really true and it's pretty scary to see why. My parents and my sisters, they're always treating me like a second citizen or they're just ignore me or blaming me for things that I haven't even done wrong or worse, all of them above. And yeah, I never take orders from my younger sister, just because she said she's got a 'job' (IMHO, that's just her favour to help our father) and claimed she's doing it for money and she thinks she's all high and mighty and would just be a very spoiled brat on telling on what she wants as long as she's got money around. But, I always think that money has more problems than solutions *coughallworkandnoplaymakeHanhaveryveryverydullgirl*. The same goes for my older sister, though that's from a different path, but still, she never undersatnds on what I'm actually saying, as well as actually feel when my younger sister and/or my parents blame me for the wrong reasons. And the worse thing is...

...my parents have more attention toward my older sister and younger sister than me, just because I'm more creative and have some potentials that would have make such an impact to gain some profit for my father's shop. ;_; I just wish they would listen to me and understand me more by reason, rather than just looking at me straight away. And yes, I'm the oddest out of my family. I need a hug.

Quote of the Moment - "I've got suicidal thoughts in my head and yet, I always discussed with my only friend that I trust apart from my family member...my brain." - Me.